“Dear Saint-Germain, I don’t know why I feel so alone. It’s like there’s a wall around me and I’m stuck behind it. I long for authentic relationships, yet I don’t know how to have them. I don’t trust people because I had a difficult relationship with my parents. I kept them at a distance by acting aloof and superior to them. Now I do this with everyone.
“I currently live with a man, not because I love him, but because I’m afraid of being alone. I cling to him because I fear that I can’t survive emotionally or financially without him, yet I push him away with my self-protective behavior. I would like to change this, but I don’t know how. Can you help me?”
My friend, I AM Saint-Germain.
Your Soul is encouraging you to be more self-reliant with your life and to have meaningful relationships, too. This is your Soul’s purpose for you in this lifetime, and you are doing very well at this, even though it doesn’t always seem this way to you. It’s true that you find yourself swinging back and forth in your behavior. Sometimes you feel needy and dependent upon people, and this causes you to compromise your freedom. But later when you become uncomfortable, you protect yourself with resistance or by acting aloof, superior, or uncommitted to others. And there is a reason for this.
Earlier in this lifetime and also in past lifetimes, you were heavily influenced by the emotional experiences of a troubled family life. This has created difficulties for you in the present in feeling self-reliant and able to handle things from a practical point of view. It has also created a sense of self-doubt and apprehension about whether you can survive financially in the world on your own.
But now, you’re learning that you want something more than this experience. You want to be the author of your own life, instead. You are learning to appreciate the rewards and satisfaction (as well as the responsibilities and limitations) of having greater autonomy in your personal life, as well as greater intimacy in your relationships.
Patterns of Invalidation and Dependency
You are leaving behind a family pattern of invalidation and learning to appreciate the things that matter most to you. You are learning that by setting positive and attainable goals for yourself, you can release your old fears of dependency and act with conviction and commitment on your own behalf, instead.
Your Soul is encouraging you in this. It is encouraging you to establish a sense of place and purpose in the world that is not conditioned by your experiences with your family. You are learning to acknowledge the wisdom and maturity that you have gained – and that you deserve – because you have successfully navigated your life experiences.
Yes, it’s important that you acknowledge this.
Remember that you are walking your Soul’s path now. And this trip is not so much about your final destination, which is guaranteed by God, as it is about your journey along the way. It’s about your choices and experiences in life, as you come into full remembrance of your Divinity.
And what will help you in this marvelous journey? Most importantly, acting from a place of personal integrity will assist you along the way. Acting with integrity will give you the inner strength that you need to break the cycle of dependency and rebellion that keeps you feeling alone and isolated, whether you are in a relationship or not.
Challenges will come up for you along the way, so be prepared to see them as the guideposts that they are. The important signs for you have to do with defining personal boundaries in your relationships; clearly establishing the limits of your responsibility toward yourself and others; and learning to express your feelings honestly without repressing them, or fearing that you will be rejected if you do.
Just remember not to fall prey to unnecessary perfectionism, self-criticism, or to relationship standards that are unrealistic. Also, let go of any tendencies that you have to self-dramatize or to take yourself and your challenges too seriously, as this will only increase your feelings of isolation from others. Make it a point instead to find ways to express yourself in the world lightly, and remember that you are more respected and loved than you may realize.
Standing on the Wall, Looking Down Upon Others
I would like to help you get a perspective on your possibilities and to assist you in opening up to others and feeling more confident in yourself.
Indeed, your childhood experiences have left their mark on you. They have affected the way that you relate to people; how much you trust yourself and others; and how easily you are able to feel loved and accepted. These are things that I would like to discuss with you now.
Over the course of your lifetime, you’ve learned to protect yourself from being hurt emotionally. You’ve lived for such a long time around a family that made you feel unwanted, that you learned to hide yourself away. In particular, you learned to hide your individuality under a cloak of false bravado, and to fear expressing your feelings openly and honestly.
You have created a wall around your heart that you believe will protect you. And then as you have already indicated, you sit upon that wall and speak to others in a way that seems aloof and condescending.
In effect, you have asked your mind to protect your heart from being hurt – to protect that gentler side of you that is sensitive and loving, and that relates to others through your feelings. This is the part of you that is afraid to express itself now, or to show any sign of openness, vulnerability, or trust toward others.
Do not let yourself be dragged down by your experiences in past lifetimes, or by those that you’ve had with your current family in this lifetime. This conditioning is not helping you. It’s appearing now as recurring cycles of dependency, resistance, and then rebellion that isn’t working for you.
Before you can have the authentic relationships that you desire so much and that you feel are within your grasp, you need to develop a positive relationship with yourself – a relationship that is based upon deeper faith in yourself.
You need to move beyond your fears of being unable to survive financially without having someone in your life to depend upon, and to assume this responsibility and this privilege on your own, if necessary.
I’m not advocating that you end, or that you continue your current relationship with your partner. But rather, I’m asking you to focus upon having a supportive relationship with yourself first. I’m asking you to make a commitment to yourself now. I’m asking you to show the courage of your convictions, as you step forward to do this.
I’m not talking about “Hollywood heroics” here, but rather to simply accept responsibility for the parts of your life that you would like to manage now, and to not let others make these decisions for you.
You are here to be the author, creator, and authority of your own life. And to do this, you have to take the necessary steps to free yourself from your old hurts, habits, misgivings, and fears.
I encourage you to be honest with yourself as you do this. When you feel threatened by the possibility of relating to another person, I encourage you to get down from the wall that protects your heart. There’s no need to elevate yourself this way, or to look down upon others from this emotional distance. I encourage you, instead, to build a doorway to your feelings, and to be willing to share these with others. Take it one-step-at-a-time, of course. But make a commitment now to stop living in fear, and to trust that you will be guided and supported along the way.
Free Yourself to BE Your Self
When you free yourself to BE your Self, you make room for your feelings, even if you have to confront your fears. You step down from the wall and open the gate. You trust your ability to discern who is trustworthy and who is not, and then you open the door to your heart and free yourself to love again.
You ARE the author of your life, my friend, and you are supported in this by your Soul at all times. You walk together, hand-in-hand. And I, too, am happy to travel beside you.
Indeed, I AM Saint-Germain.
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